A few weeks back, I reposted a meme about masculinity on my Facebook feed. The meme featured a statue of an ancient muscular, full-bearded man with a stoic expression and impressively chiseled abs. In my post, I encouraged people to consider that toxicity and masculinity are not synonymous, even though many men resort to toxic behavior to get what they want. On the flip side, the idea of soft, warm, and fuzzy masculinity confuses us with another erroneous stereotype. Being loving, compassionate, and in touch with one’s emotions is not considered masculine — except by real men. Many stoic men are, in fact, deeply caring, compassionate, and unafraid to express their emotions. They may not like leading with those characteristics but prefer to reveal them when appropriate. Yes, when alone with their lover. No, in the heat of battle, literal or virtual.
One woman and one man strongly opposed my message, asserting that toxic masculinity does indeed exist. However, twenty-five men and women responded with Like or Love emojis, affirming my belief that a craving exists for men to be tough and compassionate, strong and tender, and resilient without boasting.
When I launched Point of Light magazine in 1994, I soon realized that most of my readers were women. Our content often centered around topics that resonated with women or approached issues from a female perspective. Following my service in the Navy for nine years after high school, where I saw the best and worst of male behavior, I gladly embraced the idea of being a “metrosexual” — someone comfortable expressing masculine and feminine qualities and sensitivities. I aimed to set an example of how to be a more integrated man.
Despite being world famous in Pittsburgh — at least among the holistic crowd — my demonstration of metrosexuality inspired few men to explore an inner life. Women continued to dominate the self-help industry, particularly as consumers. I attended many events as the only male and thought of myself as the designated testicles.
So when I began writing “Choose a Better Truth,” I set a goal to write “a Self-Help Book for Men Who Hate Self-Help Books.” Through my work, I envisioned a zone that was distinctly “Men Friendly” where I could present some esoteric ideas in a way that would not put off men due to excess sentimentality, femininity, or good old-fashioned woo-woo. I planned to use curse words, sarcasm, and tales of ribaldry to help men feel at home.
Initially, I hadn’t planned on delving into men’s issues per se. Instead, I wanted to ask deep questions from a male perspective. Men-friendly, but not necessarily Men-Safe. Why? Because men love danger, adventure, and a challenge.
I wanted to attract men of courage as readers since all self-development requires bravery. I also didn’t want to alienate any men with excessive woo.
It’s not that there’s anything wrong with femininity or woo, but I’ve observed that many men — honest, wholesome, balanced, good-hearted men — can be put off by such themes. It can taint the message for them before they’ve even given it a chance.
What exactly sparked such a lively response to the post?
First, my comments on the meme. “There is no such thing as Toxic Masculinity. People of all sexes can be toxic. Masculinity is positive, stoic, and protective of people and property. Real men don't whine or gaslight.”
The text over the picture read, “A man doesn’t complain. He adapts. He doesn’t make excuses. He makes solutions. He doesn’t blame others. He takes responsibility.” In other words, he knows how to shake it off.
This vision of true masculinity — steadfast, resourceful, and proactive — epitomizes the best kind of man. To borrow a phrase from the military, he knows how to “embrace the suck” without whining.
These ideas may seem unsettling, but not to honest men. For example, the chapter on the Mind explores the concept that everyone is entirely transparent. Anyone with solid telepathic skills or the ability to read energy or body language can see right through you. (I learned this the hard way. A psychic girlfriend left me when she caught me thinking about another woman. Watch for that story in the book.)
The idea that we are transparent may scare some people, particularly brutish “alpha” males, who bully, intimidate, gaslight, and act like a dick to control others. These men typically poo-poo the woo-woo as they dismiss telepathy. To accept it as true terrifies them. They fear that if all their lies and schemes were exposed, all their “power” would evaporate.
Another post made me laugh and gave me a new definition of alpha males. It read, “When men refer to themselves as ‘alpha males,’ I hear that in the context of software, where alpha versions are unstable, missing important features, filled with flaws, and not fit for the public.”
This definition allows introspective men to examine their own beliefs and actions. Courageous men ask themselves, “In what way am I unstable? What are my missing features? What flaws do I need to fix? Am I ready for Prime Time?” An unflinching examination generally reveals the answers. The willingness to closely scrutinize one’s flaws and missing features without assigning blame is the bedrock of a rich inner life.
As I asked myself these questions, the answers did not deter me from engaging in some gentle mockery.
Consider the crowd engaged in the shrill bruhaha around Taylor Swift and her muscular boyfriend. Here, I find a glaring example of the lack of manly manliness. Some right-wing pundits came utterly unglued over having to suffer through a few seconds of seeing her during a three-hour broadcast.
“It’s blatant idolatry, prohibited by the bible,” they shout, or “It’s nothing but a clever left-wing ‘psyop’ to give a high visibility platform to her so she can endorse Biden.”
Preferring stoicism over complaint, I won’t speak about their sad, pathetic, and foolish view of the situation. Instead, I’ll adapt by asking some questions. Do they hate her because she registered thousands of supposedly Democrat voters at her concerts? Or because she became a self-made billionaire without a man as her protector and guide? I wonder what the pusillanimous whiners might say if Kelce played snuggle-bunnies with a Playboy playmate.
I posted one more meme on the subject. Over a picture of Tay-Tay, the text read, “Honestly, I can’t name ten Taylor Swift songs. But I’m here for any woman whose mere appearance at a ball game makes a bunch of fragile men lose their shit.” I second this notion.
One gal commented, “My favorite thing about the Taylor Swift ‘controversy’ is the new term I’ve learned to perfectly describe the weak, fragile, ‘alpha’ males who are so easily threatened by strong women… ‘BROFLAKES’!”
Broflakes! The perfect word to describe men whose inner lives remain entirely unexamined. Afraid of losing their power, afraid of change, afraid of women who exude a robust field of positivity, these men need a serious dose of “Wake the Fuck Up!”
In the book and this Stack, I pledge to maintain a 100% BroFlake-free zone, friendly to real men who cheer on strong, powerful, successful women.
And cursing. I promise lots of cursing and sarcastic humor. But no whining.